Sam sees the changes in Emma, and thinks she doesn't need him anymore. He talks to Dr. Stewart about it.
"But will she always? Is she going to grow beyond me? Beyond us?"
"We've talked about this, Sam. She might, but she will come back. You are her rock, her support."
"Yeah, but does she know that? Does she realize how much I've sacrificed for her? Has she any concept of what I've done to help her—to keep her out of trouble? Does she know—does she know that her second baby was probably mine?"
Sam stopped talking, letting the tears fall. He was despondent, humiliated, but he had to cry. He had never cried over the death of their child, but now he felt safe enough to do it. Dr. Stewart wouldn't judge, she wouldn't call him weak. She'd let him cry.
"How can you be sure?"
He sniffled, shrugging. "A feeling I have. Her folks had been gone for several weeks, I talked her out of going to parties .... I kept her busy, you know ...." He wasn't specific, but his body language conveyed a lot.
"Go on." She sensed he was near a breakthrough, and she wanted him to continue.
"We were drinking, smoking some pot, making love the whole weekend. We weren't always careful, you know? I wanted to feel her.... Really feel what it was like. I know it was stupid, but I couldn't help it."
"And then she discovered she was pregnant."
"She panicked. She was going to abort it herself, so she didn't have to tell her folks. So I took care of it, like I always do. I set up the appointment, got the money together, and helped her kill my baby." He turned tortured eyes on her. "What kind of monster kills his own child? How does that make me any better than her old man?"
"Sam, you can't do this to yourself. A. You don't know that baby was yours. B. She would have done harm to herself, maybe killed herself, trying to end the pregnancy. C. You are nothing like her father. Never, ever compare what you did out of love, to his actions."
"And what about my son? Or my daughter? How was that loving them?"
"By saving their mother, you kept her alive and healthy so that you can have other children together. Brothers and sisters to carry on in their stead."
"Does it make me a murderer?"
"No, Sam. It makes you a man. You made a very hard decision, something a guy your age shouldn't have to do. You did what you thought was right for Emma."
"Why," he gasped, crying harder. "Why doesn't it feel better? It hurts so bad. I feel this hole right here!" He thumped his chest above his heart. "It's empty, hollow. Something broke inside me that day, Doc. It broke and it died with my baby."
"Oh, Sam ...."
Dr. Amanda Stewart had never had this happen before. She didn't know what to say to the young man to make him feel better. Instead of saying anything, she came around and sat beside him, taking his head to her shoulder as he cried. His body, still thin, shook hard and she found herself crying with him. Why she wept, she didn't know, but suspected it was partly for Emma and the loss of the baby, but mostly for Sam. He was too young to have to make all these grown up decisions, but he had no one else. The person closest to him needed him to be mature and strong. For her, he was. For himself, he was still a scared little boy, whose parents deserted him.
"You need to talk to her about this, Sam."
"I can't. If I tell her she aborted my baby, it could destroy her. I can't do that. This is one secret I have to keep completely to myself."
"Even if it tears you apart?"
"It won't. I won't let it. I can handle it. I always do."
"Sam." She took his hands in hers, gazing into his eyes. "This is one place you can be as weak as you want, and it's alright. We all need a good cry, it's very cleansing. I won't make you tell her, but this is something that could grow between you. You feel so guilty and I can't help you with that until you're willing to let it go."
©2020 Dellani Oakes
No comments:
Post a Comment