Drake Mann, comic magician, goes to his cousin's Christmas party, where he drinks too many Margaritas and is feeling the effects. He goes outside to visit with his cousin Patrick and Patrick's girlfriend, Sherri.
"Hey, blood!" Patrick pounded Drake on the back, nearly knocking him down. "You look like hell."
"Never let me drink Margaritas again. Please. Jose Cuervo is not my friend."
"Mine either," Sherri admitted. "He makes me do dumb things."
"He makes me forget my moral and ethical standards and boff anything with tits," Patrick said in his disconcertingly blunt way.
"He is why I have a daughter," Drake admitted. "So we have a similar problem."
"What is this, true confessions?" Jed had joined them.
"Talking about the evils of Jose Cuervo."
Jed waved it away, weaving slightly. "It should be made illegal."
The rest of them agreed.
One of Vivica's cousins brought Drake another Margarita.
"No," he mumbled. "I can't. I'll barf up a kidney."
"Oh, come on," she begged. "Just one more?"
"Seriously, I can't. I've got kids to drive home. No more alcohol."
"Okay," she said, waving her tits practically in front of his face. "Your loss."
"I know," he mumbled as she walked back inside. "Damn! Why couldn't I have met her a week ago?" He watched her strut around the kitchen with hunger.
"She wants you, dude. Go for it," Jed encouraged.
"So? She's not here."
Drake gave him a hard look. "Sherri, woman's perspective. Little game of let's pretend."
"Okay." She snuggled close to Patrick, her head on his shoulder.
"Say you and I were newly dating—three days."
"Have we been to bed yet?"
"No. Came close, but got interrupted. Family emergency."
She nodded, dark eyes focusing on him intently. "Go on. We've been nearly naked, no sex. . . ."
"Okay, so you go out of town to visit your mom for a few days. If, in that time, I slept with another woman. . . ."
"I would gouge out your eyeballs and replace them with your severed testicles. Next scenario, please?" She folded her arms across her chest, chin jutting out aggressively.
Drake held out his hands to Jed. "You see my conundrum."
"Dude, I don't even know what a conundrum is," Jed whined.
"Difficulty," Patrick supplied.
"No conundrums here," Jed said. "You'd die happy."
Sherri punched him.
"Hey, assaulting a police officer! I outrank you, missy!" He swatted at her hands as she continued to jab him.
"That's okay, your brother outranks you and he likes me better. Who do you think he'd arrest?"
"Not the hot chick," Patrick said, putting his arm around Sherri's neck possessively.
"Patrick, you are one lucky man," Drake said with a heavy, alcohol induced sigh. "Sherri, God, you look pretty."
"That's the Cuervo talking, D. Eyes up here," she said, raising his chin so he wasn't staring at her tits.
"Sorry. Normally, I don't gaze intently at the breasts of another man's girlfriend. I apologize."
"Totally understand," Patrick said. "If you did that sober, I'd have to let her kill you."
© 2014 Dellani Oakes