I Love Dialogue from Something New
Austin Templeton stars in a Doctor Who-esque show called The Magician. He's got a new co-star, Liat Fogelberg, in whom he is quite interested. He didn't, however, get along with the director. Since the director was causing trouble for everyone on set, he was unceremoniously fired. He's now making noises about suing the network, and Austin, for defamation. After this announcement, Austin and his assistant, Dwight, are summoned to see The God of the Network—Gordon Oliver Desmond Vogel, God for short—Liat's father.
"Gordon. Or God, your choice." He winked. "You," he pointed at Dwight. "Can you type?"
"Hundred words a minute." He wiggled his fingers rapidly.
"You bellowed, God?" The older man appeared once more, hands folded in front of him.
"Have we anything to type upon?"
"Only a top of the line laptop in your office, sir. Shall I fetch it for you, dah-ling?"
"Bastard," Gordon chuckled. "Please. And we could use your help, old thing."
"Already on it," the older man said. "One moment."
He scurried off and came back with a very fancy laptop that looked as if it had been custom built. He handed it to Dwight. They got it up and running seconds later. Samuel showed him the word processing program and settled back with his feet up.
"Designed that program myself. It does everything but wipe your bum. I'll send you a copy. It's the only way to keep his nibs on time." He pointed to Gordon.
"Are you the butler?" Dwight asked.
"Sometimes. I think the last one quit, he hasn't been in for several days. So I fill in. I'll hire someone next week." He shrugged. "Now, what can we do for you, Gordy?"
The old man nodded, steepling his fingers. He started dictating to Dwight, who kept up remarkably well. They became so engrossed in their conversation, they ignored everyone else. The others moved closer together, leaving them to work. Austin couldn't help overhearing things, but he chose to ignore most of the running commentary, trying to concentrate on Liat and her parents.
"Can't show his bare bum on network TV," Samuel muttered. "Best he keeps his pants on."
"Excuse me?" Austin stood. "I'm not taking down my trousers to please the public. If they want to see my arse, they can watch the program!"
"Of course not," Dwight said. "We just wanted your attention."
"Why didn't you just say Hey, Austin?"
"Where's the fun in that?" Samuel asked, smirking.
"You're as bad as he is," Austin pointed from Dwight to Samuel. "Evil. Both of you."
"That's why I work for God," Samuel replied. "Because I'm Satan. Samuel Alan Thomas Aquinas Nichols."
"Who names their child like that?" Austin asked.
"Rich, bored people with too many people they have to please. To be fair, I added Thomas Aquinas when I took my Confirmation name."
"I've crossed over," Austin decided. "I'm in Limbo or Purgatory waiting to be judged. I've God on one hand and Satan on the other. What am I supposed to do on these talk shows? Other than baring my bum, which isn't happening."